By Twilight
by McGonagall's Bola
Summary: What hurt the most was being so close, yet unable to really become one, or... were they? Bella/Edward -REWRITTEN!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"You're too easy to be myself with," Edward whispered, and if I hadn't known that he didn't need any air to breathe, I would have described it as longing panting. Because of what he was, he didn't need to breathe. The panting wasn't there, though I wasn't so sure about the longing part. The way in which his words sounded right next to my ear made my whole skin tingle, knotting the muscles in my lower abdomen together, resolved as not to untie anytime soon. It sure did make me pant. Long. For him.

He tried to be as gentle as possible as he laid us down on my single bed, which barely provided enough mattress for us to lay half upon each other. Edward leaned up on his elbows, preventing himself from crushing me, as my hands came to rest on his muscular chest and I looked up at him, eyes shifting from the left to the right and back trying effortlessly to read him. Like he couldn't read me.

A hand reached out to trace my cheekbone with ice cold fingertips. I didn't care, and closed my eyes lost in the moment. Suddenly, he stopped, and I opened my closed eyes again to see him grin above me. Hesitantly, I leaned up to touch his lips with mine. Though I didn't want to, the coldness of Edward's lips, and the coolness of his breath, creating a possibly deadly mixture with mine, made me pull back, leaving him with a frown creased between his brows. It wasn't in place, though it still didn't not embellish his inhuman beauty.

"You're driving me crazy," he admitted, unaware that the knot deep in my stomach had just tightened even more at his words. "I don't quite understand that you never…" his statement flew off in thin air – something that only rarely happened, I had come to conclude. However, I assumed Edward left me to fill in the blanks. We both knew what he had initially wanted to say out aloud.

What hurt the most was being so close, yet not being able to go any further than this point. He wouldn't let us, I knew. I tried to catch my breath, and came to realize I often had trouble remembering to breathe as he did just this: coming closer.

"Please…" I stressed, nearly pleading, as I looked up at him meaningfully, trying to convince him to understand what I wanted. He bent down to brush his nose along my jaw and used the thumb and forefinger of his hand to lift my chin and make our lips meet once again. His eyes stayed on me as he let himself kiss me. Too careful.

My lips easily parted for him, but on the other side, he pulled back from me. I felt fear pulsating in my throat and spreading through me, being triggered by the too fast beating of my heart and pumped through my veins by its uneven contractions in diastole and systole. I wasn't afraid of him; more of doing something wrong by wanting him too close. Suffocating him, and pushing him away from me instead. Only the thought of it made me sick already, and I knew I hadn't been so independent on anyone else before. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

"I don't want you to be afraid," Edward said, clearly ignoring the sound of apology. He bent down again to inhale my scent and plant an ever so feather light kiss on the changeover between my neck and collarbone, making the butterflies in my stomach play havoc with each other inside. I shivered, convulsing, but this had nothing to do with the coldness of his touches, nor with the coolness of Forks sweeping in through my bedroom window and leaving its trail in the dimly lit bedroom. Curious how I would have described his touches as being warm, the ice cold of his pale alabaster skin undeniable.

I wasn't afraid of him… only of acknowledging that we couldn't go any further than this; that we could never continue. Because of what he was, and what he wanted to protect. Me.

My eyelids fluttered in delight, yet I noticed the golden shine of his eyes, never having seen them any lighter than this before. With just a little imagination, I could see lust and passion dancing around in them. I wanted it. Him.

"Bella… I'm quite new at this myself," Edward explained quietly, seemingly having been able to read my thoughts just this once. Maybe a very good guess. Maybe too noticeable, how aroused I got just by his presence alone, taking in consideration the way he actually kissed me right at this point, arousing me even more.

"Skills kill chills," I murmured, ruffling through his bronze colored hair, waiting for his next words, being aware of the fact more was yet to come. Edward didn't leave me waiting for all too long.

"I don't want to risk losing control," he said. "Besides, I have never done anything of this before," he admitted, and now it would be me not being able to grasp how that could be possible.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"You're too easy to be myself with," Edward stated, being aware that I could feel just that pressing against my thigh as he still lay half upon me. He had most likely seen the change in my expression as it did, too. Maybe he couldn't read my mind like he could with others, but that clearly didn't mean that he didn't recognize every little change in my behavior. Human behavior.

"I am still a man," he explained, noticing the awareness dawning upon me with questionable pace. I didn't dare ask him about it, though he immediately noticed something bothering, troubling me, questions out of acknowledgement floating around within the dark pools my eyes had become. Because of him. I knew this to be a perfectly human reaction, happening every time Edward came near. On the other hand, I noticed his eyes turn into a light shade of bright gold. Perfect contrast.

"Do you think that I could get pregnant if we did this without protection?" I asked thoughtfully. And what I expected, happened too. Edward's jaw clenched together and all affection seemed to flow out of his eyes again; his grip on me seemed to tighten for a moment as he rolled over, though he actually let go of me. I easily slid off his lap and flopped on the mattress again as he came to sit on the bedside, head falling in his hands. He sighed and remained sitting like that for a couple of minutes.

"We're not going to do this," Edward said, looking up from his hands and eyeing me intently with his golden colored eyes. "I don't want to risk losing control and doing something I'll regret for the rest of my... existence. I don't have the slightest idea as to what to expect from this. I've never had anyone before you, Bella. No one in more than a century. Not even at the time I was still… human.

"It hurts not being able to give you what you want and should get; what someone else instead of me could," Edward sighed. "I don't think that anyone else could ever make me feel this hurt inside again; I don't think anyone else could make me feel this way ever again in the rest of my being forever seventeen."

"I want this," I spoke up, voice sounding more unsteady than I had planned. I felt nothing less than touched by that moment of truth.

He sighed.

"What if I want to take the risk of you losing control right now?" I pondered. "Edward–" "No, Bella."

I sighed. This was going to be difficult. And then I'm said to be stubborn.

I gently padded over to him on hands and knees to sit there staring at him, and waiting for him to do something. Edward still looked at me and I knew it had to be tempting for him to just keep on sitting there without doing anything.

Without thinking, my fingers closed around his wrists. As if I even still hoped to be able to have some impact on him doing that while he was so much stronger than me. Edward let me grab them and allowed me to crawl up on his lap again. I leaned in to kiss his ice cold lips ever so gently. Carefully. Not quite rough enough to push him away from me again. He didn't. I did. I had to, because I feared I would end up choking if I didn't break away from him to gasp for air. I needed it. He didn't. Not vampires. I had never kissed anyone else but him, but it felt pretty weird that I needed that air so badly, while he didn't. He just patiently waited for me. I came to look deep into his light golden colored eyes and challenged him. "Say it. Say you don't want me, and I'll stop pushing."

"You're not making it easier on me, Bella."

"That's what I intend," I whispered and wiggled my eyebrows at him suggestively. Too eager. I started slightly shivering there, but it had simply nothing to do with Edward this time, nor with the cold sweeping through the bedroom window inside. "I'm ready," I said, though at that particular moment I wasn't entirely sure about that anymore.

"Stop me," was the only thing Edward said, before leaning in to nuzzle in the crook of my neck, as he rolled me on my back in bed and his ice cold tip gently pressed against the heat of my entrance. It surprised me; overwhelmed me. No protest.

He gently planted a trail of feather light kisses down my neck to my throat, staying there just a dangerously little longer, as suddenly that pure coldness pushed inside of me and I let out an inevitable gasp at the new sensation. I had never felt anything like this before.

It felt quite awkward at first and I lay perfectly still on the mattress as Edward leaned up high on his forearms to look at me, concern shining through the light golden color of his eyes. "Are you hurt?" he asked. I didn't reply, just kept on laying there perfectly still, breathing heavily. "I'm sorry, Bella. I shouldn't have–" Edward started, shifting with the intention to retract out of me. "I'm fine," I tried, stopping him, then closing my eyes afraid that he would read the lie written within the dark brown. I tried to take easy breaths without him noticing. He didn't say anything.

"Please..." I asked.

"Bella?"

I simply nodded, eyes still closed for him. Without warning, I felt myself stretching up for him more, indicating he was pushing forward again. And as he did so, I just couldn't help but plead for it to end. Soon. I couldn't help but hope he would be fully inside of me soon. There however didn't seem to come an end to his fidgeting. And yet that gave me some form of reassurance as well. Oddly enough. I experienced it as a sign of him being as inexperienced into this as I was. I had never had something with anyone before him; had never longed for anyone else to do this than him, right now. He tried so much to be careful and take it only very slowly, but I think it would have hurt less if he had just... done it. Short pain.

As he tried to still make his way into me, clearly as carefully as possible, I clenched my jaw together and tried to ignore the pain originating inside of me and spreading through my corps. I remained perfectly still there, not breathing. And then suddenly he let out a moan and I knew that he couldn't get any further into me anymore. I let out an inaudible sigh of relief. Finally. "I hurt you, didn't I?" Edward spoke against my closed eyelids. "You're hurt."

"No," I answered, slowly starting to inhale and exhale again. I cautiously opened my brown eyes for him and tried to smile vaguely. The layer of tears laying on my retinas couldn't fool him, though. Too smart.

"I'm a monster," Edward whispered, and to my utter surprise, I think I saw tears welling up in his light golden eyes as well. "What kind of monster am I to hurt the one I love like- like this?" he said, sounding overtaken. Too emotional. For a vampire.

I gently lay a finger on his lips. "I rather have you not speaking if you're only going to talk this way." He kept quiet when I removed the finger and combed through his bronze hair, looking at him, being aware that it must cost him so much effort not to speak right now. I could see it etched within his eyes. Which was odd. I think I had mostly learned to read things that didn't exist… which I just guessed were readable there… which I knew, were readable somewhere within the pools of light gold. I had come to be aware of anything playing off by analyzing him in and out… though he could still surprise me with sudden reactions sometimes.

He carefully and slowly started moving back and forth within me, giving me the feeling as if cold steel was stroking against my inner walls, freezing them. And I do think that I froze, because suddenly it all felt numb. I did, and I couldn't feel anything anymore; anything except for Edward's gentle movements. No pain. No cold. Nothing.

And when I should have felt fulfilled, maybe literally, I felt empty. It wasn't like I had imagined this to be. As his strong arms supported his weight, and my fingers caught locks of his bronze colored hair, Edward went on just a little faster. And then I suddenly felt something that I hadn't experienced before. Ever.

I couldn't help but arch my spine more towards him, both erected baby pink nipples brushing against his torso… my own pelvic bone bucking against his at the same time. It felt like something slightly tingling, yet not tingling all the same. I only remember it felt massively good. No other way to describe it. His movements went on faster again, as Edward leaned his forehead against my throat.

He again picked up the pace, hands roaming down to my lower back to put the right amount of pressure there, making soothing circles on my skin. Right now, he couldn't seem to stop anymore. Both legs hooked around his waist in the process, dragging him deeper without being aware of the impact of this movement, not caring about either the pain or the thin line of blood running down and dripping on the white sheets… only about grasping that one feeling that was so intangible. It made me squirm underneath his too fast thrusts. Only about at least keeping it as it suddenly stopped and I, in contrary to the coldness around me: his arms, his torso... felt something warm being spilled inside of me, spreading, making its way north to spread all over me and make me gasp at this particular sensation.

Edward allowed himself to lower onto me, yet still careful not to crush me, as I kept my brown eyes wide open and tried to catch my breath. "I'm sorry," he whispered to the soft skin under my ear.

"Don't be," I answered, smiling vaguely. Trying to.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Edward looked back at me with his bright golden eyes, concern pooling in them. I couldn't help but wonder if this would have hurt the same with another human being – another male, who wasn't a… vampire.

Sure enough, it hadn't been pleasant at first. I, however, couldn't grasp that feeling of pain anymore. It had been exuberantly present and lingering until the pain flew over to pleasure. Pain and pleasure, two feelings between which only a very thin line existed.

Nervousness had surely played its part. I had had no idea what to expect; no idea what would be waiting for me on the other end… the end on which I would no longer be a virgin.

I heaved a sigh at the thought of men, and women, who still believed that a girl only became a woman after her first night with a man. Edward had been my first and I didn't feel any different to before he had released his semen inside of me.

"This wasn't supposed to happen tonight," he spoke, and I couldn't help but be taken aback by the sound of Edward's cold voice.

"Do you... Do you regret making love?" I struggled to get out.

"No, Bella," he whispered, head shaking in contradiction and gathering me in the marble arms I had come to feel safe in. He swiftly pressed his lips to my temple before laying back and cradling me against his chest. Though the gesture would have been described as warm by a novelist, I didn't feel it that way. Although I lay atop of him, held in place by the restraint his arms provided, I couldn't help but feel distance, seeming to enlarge with every second tickling by.

I leaned up on his chest, my long dark brown hair crashing down like a curtain and brushing over his skin. I trailed over his torso with my finger tips before looking up at him and asking to explain with my eyes. "Please," I added.

"I wasn't supposed to lose control like that." My eyes went back and forth trying to read more behind his words, but I couldn't really. I didn't understand what he meant, but Edward didn't leave me waiting long and went on. "This is going to have consequences," he said, and I knew for sure he was already blaming himself for this, as I tried to grasp it all.

"Why?" I stuttered. "Because you… Because you just–" "Exactly," he said, suddenly letting go of me and swinging both feet over the edge of the bed, resulting in me sliding off his stone cold chest on the mattress as he came to sit upright on the edge, holding head in hands once more. I frowned, irritated. "I should have never agreed to this," he continued. "Who knows what I just did to you."

"Does it matter?" I questioned, and I immediately regretted saying this out aloud. Edward turned to me fiercely. "Of course! It matters!" he snapped. "Bella, don't you even care the least about yourself?"

I pushed myself up with one hand and tried my best to return the same fierceness, but I couldn't compete with Edward. "What's the worst that could even happen? Me, too, becoming a vampire?" He didn't answer. "I never wanted to stay human after marrying you. You… You promised me!" I spluttered.

"I still don't understand what part of becoming a vampire yourself attracts you so much," he sighed, despair sounding through at this point.

"If I'm going to get old, I want it to be with you." This seemed to have caught his attention, because his bright golden eyes shot up at once. "And if that isn't going to happen, than I rather not," I concluded. "I don't ever want to be without you anymore," I whispered.

Edward didn't try and pull back as I leaned in to kiss him, warm meeting cold in a passionate kiss. He rolled me backwards in bed and hovered over me as one cold hand came to rest on my hipbone, the other supporting his weight so he wouldn't crush me. My arms both weaved around his neck as the kiss came to the hungriest point, on which he, to my surprise, didn't break apart from me either.

His palm stroked back and forth, practically setting my skin on fire by the friction. My dark brown eyes had closed as soon as he had given in to me again, his breath making me feel dizzy. His eyes had been a light green as a human, Carlisle had told me once. And I already couldn't place the specific memory anymore. I could hardly recollect anything of my life before Edward. Because, now, he basically was… my life.

My pelvic bone shifted briefly as he slid down to my lower abdomen. Edward laughed at me sweetly before letting a single finger slip inside me, soon adding a second one and starting to drive in and out at a steady, fast pace.

It felt different, yet brought me on the same path of pleasure. I soon reached the invisible finish with two fingers inside me and collapsed into his marble arms convulsing against him. Edward chortled, warm to me for this once.


End file.
